Jokes

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,

I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

"Cooter"

Unspoken Wife

Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.

All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

Lawyer goes to heaven

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. Once he reaches the pearly gates, St. Peter approaches him and says, "Oh, its you. Follow me." At that a white limousine pulled up. The lawyer stepped in and they sped off.

On the way the lawyer stared out the window. He saw someone that looked familiar. He said, "Hey, isn’t that St. Jerome?"

St. Peter replied, "Yes, that is."

The lawyer was puzzled by the living conditions. The Saint was living in a pup tent and traveling around on a bike.

A short while later the lawyer noticed another man who looked familiar. "Isn’t that St. Francis?" he asked."Yes it is" replied St. Peter.

The lawyer was surprised to see that the saint was living in a tin shack and had a skateboard for transportation.

The lawyer began to worry, "If Saints have such lousy living conditions, what will mine be like."

Soon they pulled up to a huge white mansion with a staff of twenty waiting outside. St. Peter announced that this was to be the lawyers home and the staff were there to attend to his every need."

Are there any questions you have for me before you are left to your eternity?" asked St. Peter."

Yes!" said the lawyer. "Why do the saints live in such terrible conditions and mine are so great?"

Saint Peter replied, "We have hundreds of saints but you’re our first lawyer."

Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I’ll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."

Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story," says the owner."

No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

United Way

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um…no."

" . . . or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, ". . . or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea…"On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, ". . . so if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"